God Loves Turkeys

I have not generally made a habit of obsessing about church signs. Kitschy, thoughtless, trite—as a genre they do not deserve as much attention as I have been paying them on this blog.

However, the sign on the Colonial Heights Pentecostal church in southern Virginia proclaiming that “God Loves Turkeys” does.

What message is the church trying to convey? It seems precariously close to no message at all, but then why bother to put the letters up on a busy suburban road?

Did the church mean to express general approval of Thanksgiving feasts?

Or to suggest that God would put off his white robe and halo, don a sweater vest and tie, and float down to consume turkey, mashed potatoes, and yam pie with the congregants? Then push off his shoes, unbutton his trousers, and watch the football game with a frosty Bud in one hand?

Or is God a vegetarian, regarding turkeys with a perfect and non-sacrificial love: because God adores turkeys, the congregants should not kill and eat them?

Or was the pastor a horrible punner, pointing out that God loves even the failing, flawed, idiotic—the “turkey”—in all of us, and thinking this was a funny way to kill two birds with one stone (please pardon my pun): 1) obligatory reference to Thanksgiving and 2) sermon on God’s love.

Ha Ha.

Now that is the sort of clever insight that would make me want to go to the church